Grappling with Grief. Part 1.

I’ve previously shared that I lost my cousin and aunt (mother and son) within a 4-month span. It’s been extremely difficult for my family and me to manage and continue functioning, but we are progressing.

To say I’m tired of hospitals, hearing heart monitor machines and would be a huge understatement. The doctors and nurses were wonderful. They were attentive, alert and readily available for our questions. The hospice staff was gentle, yet firm in their communication to us and walked us through all of the decision-making processes. But, there’s no warm fuzzy feeling that can replace the reminder of why you’re even speaking to them in the first place.

What I haven’t been so readily ready for? Functioning with grief. The kind of grief that you have to learn to live with as you go about your day. The kind of grief that is debilitating. One of the biggest challenges was adjusting to working and grieving — I buried my grief into work and used it to fuel me, unfortunately, this means that I was delaying the grieving process and acted in denial. I had coworkers who checked in on me consistently and some days I insisted that I go home, which helped tremendously. If you work with someone who is grieving a loss in the family, please please check in on them and urge them to take care of themselves.

After my aunt passed I started researching various books and articles about grief to help make sense of what had just happened, again. I’m read C.S. Lewis ‘A Grief Observed’ — and it helped me to walk with C.S. Lewis as he grieved his wife and all of the emotions and thoughts he battled during that time.

Here are a few other articles about what to expect when grieving (a few more favorite articles: here, about how to cope — here and here) that helped me understand the process, people go through when dying. I read about the process of grief and the impact of seeing someone take their last breath. I share these in hopes that they help you.

“Grieving is one of the hardest things we will do in this life. Death shakes us to the very core of our being. It impacts every aspect of our functioning. The order and rhythm of our lives have changed. While knowing what we can expect in grief does not take away the pain of our loss, it can provide us with the reassurance that others have experienced something similar and the hope that we, too, will be able to reintegrate back into life.”

I know this isn’t an easy topic for anyone to read, let alone discuss but I’ve found that the more I talk about death, the afterlife and the lives of my cousin and aunt the more it helps. I’ve observed in other cultures (as opposed to the US) take time to grieve as a community. They publicly acknowledge the deceased and then grant time for family and friends to grieve. this process seems a bit rushed or skipped in the U.S. and I wonder about the damaging impact it has on us as a society that we don’t address death and grief, openly.

I watched Coco — yes the Pixar cartoon story about Dia De Los Muertos. First of all, it is an AWESOME movie that has the power to make any grown adult cry.

Secondly, I love how it depicts honoring the legend of deceased loved ones. It reminded me to celebrate the life of my family and reflect on the positive times we had together. I still miss them terribly. I still cry almost instantly any time memory of them comes to mind. But I’m learning and leaning in the belief that “to live is Christ, and to die is gain,” (Phil 1:21). Meaning, they are in peace and in a much better, healthier and happier place and that is a win.

If you recently lost a loved one or you are going through a period of grief remember to be kind to yourself, daily. Every day try to think of a way you can show kindness to yourself and then do it. For me, it was taking luxurious baths, reading, watching my favorite shows, getting my nails done, choosing to take some time off work, journaling, going to a friends house for a wine night and most of all — finding time to be still. It will take daily effort to show kindness, but please be gentle with yourself.

Bonus Material! If you know someone who’s grieving there are a few helpful tips in this article!

Your grieving process should not be rushed for anyone or anything — take your time. Try going to a therapist. Read books and articles. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Talk about the good memories you had with them. Most of all, don’t put pressure on yourself to rush the process.

My cousin, who was like my big brother, passed in August 2018 and I’m still grieving. My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, passed on New Year’s Eve 2018 and I cry every single time I think about her. I’m’ slowly accepting that they’re gone every day, but I’m not rushing the process at all. I miss them terribly. I don’t anticipate that feeling to go away soon, but I do anticipate the small and big reminders (random memories, birthdays and holidays) that bring back a wave of emotions to rush over me momentarily.

I do anticipate that the day will come when I can think of them and tell the funny moments we had together without tears, but that day is not today. Nor tomorrow. And one thing I’ve learned about functioning with grief is that, that is ok. Storytelling time will come in its own time.

Until we chat again,

Kim